On a lazy Wild West afternoon a cowboy is out riding on the open range on his trusty steed when he happens across a Native American's teepee. When he approaches he sees the Native American sitting there legs crossed in front of the teepee and there are various animals milling about. The cowboy speaks, "Fine afternoon." The indian replies, "How" sitting there, arms crossed against his chest. The cowboy looking around sees the indian's horse and says, "Hi there horsey. How are you today?" The indian speaks out, "Horse NO talk." The horse then replies, "I'm doing pretty good. The injun treats me good, feeds me lots of carrots and never puts a saddle or bridle on me." The indian is in disbelief that his horse just spoke. "Hi there little rabbit, how are you?" The indian again retorts, "Rabbit NO talk." The little rabbit responds, "I'm alright. It's a little hot for my liking out here today." The indian is in disbelief that a rabbit just spoke. "Well hello there doggie, how are you doing?" the cowboy asks. Once again, the indian chimes in, "Dog NO talk." And sure enough the dog replies, "Not too bad. I get to eat all of the indian's scraps, so I can't complain." Then the cowboy turns to a sheep that is tethered to the teepee. "Well, hello there sheep, how are you?" The indian stammers, "SHEEP LIE!!"
Tom, a 90-year old man, said to his doctor, "Doc, I've never felt better .... and I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied, "Tom, I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang" and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" Tom looks at the doctor and says, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor says, "My point exactly.
Picture this! Year: 2030 , New York. Man and wife sitting on patio eating breakfast trying to decide where to go on vacation. Man says, Honey, lets go to Mars. Sounds great, says the wife, lets leave tomorrow. First morning on Mars, husband says , honey, no one knows us up here so why don't we just swing with one of these Martian couples. They are only three foot tall, says the wife, but I guess that will be o.k. They pick a nice looking Martian couple and that night the wife is lying in bed with a little naked Martian man and he reaches down and grabs his little two inch love mussle and asks, what do you think of this? I am used to it being a little longer, she says. He reaches up and pulled his left ear and amazing, his love mussle grows to 12 inches. Great she says, but I do like them a little thicker. He reaches up and pulls his right ear and it tripples in width. That looks great, she says, and she pulls him on top of her . Next morning: Husband and wife sitting on patio eating breakfast not saying a word to each other. Finally the husband asks, well honey, how was things last night? Not wanting to embarrass him, she said, oh, it was o.k. How was your night, she asked? Oh, it was o.k. too, he said, but you know honey, that little martian woman sure was kinky, she almost pulled my ears off!
A guy goes to the FAA to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?" "Well, here at the FAA, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for any tips to overcome his nervousness. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass, and if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. After mass, when he returned to his office, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp it. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$$. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Sincerely, Monsignor
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, *"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a *black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! *Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" *******A self-induced hangover = $100.00. *******Broken furniture = $200.00. *******Breakfast = $10.00. *******Saying the right thing = priceless.
A newlywed redneck couple arrive at their hotel to begin their honeymoon. The manager greets them and says "I see you're newlyweds! ... I can give you the Bridal". To which the husband replies "No thanks, I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets the hang of it !"
Ok....I'm done for today. Making this thread long as hell is easier then starting a new thread for every joke. Not that there is anything wrong with that ...Nevinsrt or Cherbear...I like to read those jokes too....
Wisdom from Grandpa - This touched me....... This once again confirms that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce about the long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give. Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said, "Son......don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your p e c k e r look small." Makes ya' almost cry, don't it?
The national poetry contest had come down to the fianl two contestants, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. (No offense to Texas by the way.) They were given a word, then they were allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand trekked a lonly caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy. No way the redneck could top that they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin' went. Met three women in a pop up tent. They was three and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. I do believe the redneck won.
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow. Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
One blonde asks another, "Which is further away, London or the Moon?" The other replies, "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!"
There was once a little runt of a guy who had never had a date with a girl. However, the little runt had a buddy who was a big-time womanizer who had all the girls he could possibly want. One day the little runt asked his buddy what he thought was the reason he was never able to score with the girls. Rather than embarrassing his little buddy by telling him he was just too short, the buddy told the runt that he just wasn’t forceful enough when he spoke with girls. He told the runt that he needed to be more direct with girls as girls like a take-charge sort of guy. The little runt decided to take the advice to heart and that he would try the direct approach the next time he saw a girl that he would really like to date. Two days later the little runt saw a tall blonde girl about six feet tall and he thought she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had long shapely legs and hair down to the middle of her back. Immediately, the little runt thought this was his chance and so he decided that now was the perfect time to use his new pickup line using the direct approach that his buddy had taught him to get the girl’s attention. The little runt walked up and blurted out to the beautiful blonde girl, “Hey babe, what do you say to a little f**k? The tall beautiful blonde girl looked down on the runt with a discerning look and retorted, “Well, I say hi there you little f**k!.
There were two graduates from Texas, one from University of Texas and the other from Texas A&M, that were applying for the same job after they graduated. Both graduates were equally qualified for the job and the boss thought that either would be a perfect fit for the position in his company. In order to break the stalemate, the boss decided to give both graduates a problem to solve and the one that comes up with the best answer would win the job. The boss told them the problem that he wanted solved. “Imagine,” the boss says, “that a man and a woman are lying on a bed, naked. The woman is lying on her side facing away from the man. The man is lying on his side behind the woman and facing her back. Now, the problem I want you to solve is, “what is the man’s name? You’ll each have one hour to finalize an answer.” At the end of the hour the boss returns and asks the UT guy if he has finished the problem. The UT guy replies that indeed that he has the answer, “there is not enough data to accurately derive a conclusion.” The boss replies, “that is a very good answer, in fact it is an excellent answer, but in fairness we’ll have to give the A&M guy a chance to give his answer.” The boss looks over and asks, “How about you Aggie, do you have an answer?” The Aggie replies, “I know the man’s first name!” “You know the man’s first name?” was the surprised boss’s response. “Yea. the man’s first name is Willie,” said the Aggie, “but I’m still struggling with the man’s last name. But I know for certain that his name is either Willie Taylor or Willie Turner!”
A group of doctors were attending a large medical convention in Atlantic City. After suffering through a series of dull medical lectures, three of the doctors decided to take a break on the boardwalk to get some fresh air to invigorate their minds. While rambling on the boardwalk they noticed a man that suddenly started to walk in a hunched-over, exaggerated bowlegged manner. One of the doctors spoke up and said he believed the guy suffers from a bad case of herpes. A second doctor said that he thought it was probably just a severe case of jock-itch. The third doctors said he thought it was something worse, probably a prolapsed anus condition. After a few seconds the doctors decided to make a $100 bet on the diagnosis. They decided they would approach the man and explain they had made a bet on his condition and they needed to know which of the three had made the correct diagnosis. The three explained they were doctors attending the medical convention and they each told their individual diagnoses and they wanted to know which one was right and would win the bet. After hearing the three diagnoses the man told the doctors all of their diagnoses were wrong. The man went on to say, “I, too, am a doctor here at the convention and came out for a break and even I misdiagnosed it. I thought it was gas!” It is the true sign of a bad joke if it needs explanation but for those who may have missed the subtlety of this joke, the man $hit in his pants!
1) A young executive is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “This is a very sensitive official document,” says the CEO. “My secretary’s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?” “Sure,” says the junior exec as he turns on the shredder and hits the start button. “Great,” says the CEO. “I just need one copy.” 2) A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?" "A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks. "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." 3) A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle." 4) A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it." "Shut up," she says. "You’re next." 5) A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Yup." "Where did he go?" "Your house."
A guy and his buddy are hauling a$$ down Interstate 65 one day in a souped up Mustang. They come over a rise in the road and sitting in the grass median is an Alabama state trooper. The trooper is in a 1973 Pontiac with a 455, grey with a single blue light in the middle of the roof. The trooper pulls out and he’s on them like white on rice. The guy pulls over and tells his buddy not to say anything. The trooper gets out of his car and puts on his smokey the bear hat, adjusts his mirror sunglasses and makes sure his handcuff tie clasp is straight. He walks up to the mustang with his nightstick in his hand and raps on the driver’s window. The guy rolls down his window and the trooper smacks him upside the head with the nightstick. The guy screams out and asks the trooper why he hit him. The trooper tells him, when the Alabama highway patrol pulls you over boy, you have that window down when we get to the car. The trooper then asks to see his license and insurance papers. The guy starts to get them out and the trooper smacks him again. Once again, the guy screams out and asks why he was hit. The trooper tells him that when the Alabama highway patrol pulls you over, you have them license and insurance papers ready when the trooper gets to the car. At this point the guy’s head is really hurting and his passenger is doing everything he can to keep from laughing. The trooper gets done writing the ticket and hands it to him to sign. Then the trooper walks around to the passenger side of the mustang and raps on the passenger window with his nightstick. The passenger rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him upside the head with the nightstick. Now the passenger is screaming and wanting to know why he was hit since he wasn’t even driving and hadn’t done anything. The trooper calmly tells him that he is just fulfilling his greatest wish. The puzzled passenger looks at the trooper and asks him what that might be. The trooper proceeds to tell him that he knows that they wouldn’t have gotten a mile down the road and the passenger would have been telling his buddy the driver, “I wish that S.O.B. would have hit me with that nightstick”.
