A lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Atlanta and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this part of Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Dawg Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Three Southerners and Three Yankees Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket. How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket? asks one of the Yankees. Watch and learn, answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats, but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all. How are you going to travel without a ticket? says one perplexed Yankee. Watch and learn, answer the men from the South. When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding. The Southerner knocks on their door and says, Ticket, please. And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Americans,too!"
World's Thinnest Books FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ... MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that , well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
The Blond Cop A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
By the way, do you know why the chicken went to the basketball game? He heard that the referee was blowing fowls!
A guy has been saving up his entire adult life for a Harley, he finally has enough cash, and goes down to pick one out. He is about to close the deal and the salesman asks if he wants the chrome protection package. He tells the man that it will protect all the chrome from rust caused by rain. The guy tells the salesman that he only has enough for the bike and nothin' else, and asks what he can do to save the chrome. The salesman whispers to the guy to keep a small jar of vaseline in his pocket, and right before it rains rub it allover the chrome....So the guy shows his bike to his girfriend, and she tells him to come over for dinner to meet the parents. But there is a rule that once dinner is over the first one to talk does the dishes. .....So dinner is over and nobody has moved or said a word for 15 min.... so the guy starts kissing on his girlfriend ....nobody says a word. So now he's feeling her up lickin' her melons, and nobody says anything....So he goes over to the mom and throws her on the table and starts munchin'..nobody says anything....so he starts bangin' her....once again nothin...he stops for a second and hears thunder outside, he remembers his chrome and grabs the vaseline out of his pocket....the dad jumps up and yells ****that I'll do those damn dishes............
This job is not for everybody but if anyone is looking for a job they might take a look at your hospital. The circumcision department is not a bad place to work. You get a 500 skins a week plus the chance to get ahead. Plus you get a lot of tips!
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. I Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
COWS, CONSTITUTION AND TEN COMMANDMENTS COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
Have You Ever Spoken And Wished That You Could Immediately Take The Words Back...or That You Could Crawl Into A Hole? Here Are The Testimonials Of A Few People Who Did.... First Testimony: I Walked Into A Hair Salon With My Husband And Three Kids In Tow And Asked Loudly, "how Much Do You Charge For A Shampoo And A Blow Job?" I Turned Around And Walked Back Out And Never Went Back. My Husband Didn't Say A Word...he Knew Better. Second Testimony: I Was At The Golf Store Comparing Different Kinds Of Golf Balls. I Was Unhappy With The Women's Type I Had Been Using. After Browsing For Several Minutes, I Was Approached By One Of The Good-looking Gentlemen Who Works At The Store. He Asked If He Could Help Me. Without Thinking, I Looked At Him And Said, "i Think I Like Playing With Men's Balls." Third Testimony: My Sister And I Were At The Mall And Passed By A Store That Sold A Variety Of Candy And Nuts. As We Were Looking At The Display Case, The Boy Behind The Counter Asked If We Needed Any Help. I Replied, "no, I'm Just Looking At Your Nuts." My Sister Started To Laugh Hysterically, The Boy Grinned, And I Turned Beet-red And Walked Away. To This Day, My Sister Has Never Let Me Forget. Fourth Testimony: While In Line At The Bank One Afternoon, My Toddler Decided To Release Some Pent-up Energy And Ran Amok. I Was Finally Able To Grab Hold Of Her After Receiving Looks Of Disgust And Annoyance From Other Patrons. I Told Her That If She Did Not Start Behaving "right Now" She Would Be Punished. To My Horror, She Looked Me In The Eye And Said In A Voice Just As Threatening, "if You Don't Let Me Go Right Now, I Will Tell Grandma That I Saw You Kissing Daddy's Pee-pee Last Night!" The Silence Was Deafening After This Enlightening Exchange Even The Tellers Stopped What They Were Doing. I Mustered Up The Last Of My Dignity And Walked Out Of The Bank With My Daughter In Tow. The Last Thing I Heard When The Door Closed Behind Me, Were Screams Of Laughter. Fifth Testimony: Have You Ever Asked Your Child A Question Too Many Times? My Three-year-old Son Had A Lot Of Problems With Potty Training And I Was On Him Constantly. One Day We Stopped At Taco Bell For A Quick Lunch In Between Errands. It Was Very Busy, With A Full Dining Room. While Enjoying My Taco, I Smelled Something Funny, So Of Course I Checked My Seven-month-old Daughter, And She Was Clean Then I Realized That Danny Had Not Asked To Go Potty In A While, So I Asked Him If He Needed To Go, And He Said "no". I Kept Thinking, "oh Lord, That Child Has Had An Accident, And I Don't Have Any Clothes With Me." Then I Said, "danny, Are You Sure You Didn't Have An Accident?" "no," He Replied. I Just Knew That He Must Have Had An Accident, Because The Smell Was Getting Worse. Soooooo, I Asked One More Time, Danny, Did You Have An Accident?" This Time He Jumped Up, Yanked Down His Pants, Bent Over And Spread His Cheeks And Yelled, "see Mom, It's Just Farts!!" While 30 People Nearly Choked To Death On Their Tacos Laughing, He Calmly Pulled Up His Pants And Sat Down. An Old Couple Made Me Feel Better By Thanking Me For The Best Laugh They'd Ever Had! Last Testimony: This Had Most Of The State Of Michigan Laughing For 2 Days And A Very Embarrassed Female News Anchor Who Will, In The Future, Likely Think Before She Speaks. What Happens When You Predict Snow But Don't Get Any?....a True Story... We Had A Female News Anchor Who, The Day After It Was Supposed To Have Snowed And Didn't, Turned To The Weatherman And Asked: So Bob, Where's That 8 Inches You Promised Me Last Night?" Not Only Did He! Have To Leave The Set, But Half The Crew Did Too They Were Laughing! So Hard!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. >> Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls >> decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. >> After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she >> know they went home early? >> >> The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, >> spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was >> elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a >> dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her >> husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise >> from inside. >> >> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see >> her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and >> crept out of her house. >> >> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned >> to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go >> with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught >> yesterday!"
Two old Ladies Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mable: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."
