Mae West quotes: "A woman may have as many penises as she wants". "A hard man is good to find." "Is that a gun in you're pocket or are you just glad to see me?" "It's not the men in my life that counts-it's the life in my men." "Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -- and another, in case it doesn't rain." "So many men, so little time." Mae: "How tall are you ?" Man: "Six foot seven." Mae: "Well, let's forget about the six foot and talk about the seven inches". Quest: "Ever met a man that could make you happy ?" Mae: "Several times." "A man in the house is worth two in the street." " It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean." "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it." "When caught between two evils I generally pick the one I've never tried before." "It ain't no sin if you crack a few laws now and then. As long as you don't break any." My favorite Mae West line... "My right leg is Christmas and my left leg is New Year's Eve. Why don't you come up and see my sometime between the holidays?"
HOW TO POOP AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE). Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN). Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Men Men are like .Laxatives ....... They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like .......... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like . Weather ....... Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like .......... Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. Men are like . Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. Men are like . Commercials ........ You can't believe a word they say. Men are like . Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2off. Men are like ......... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature. Men are like . Mascara ....... They usually run at the first sign of emotion. Men are like . Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Men are! like . ... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright. Men are like ......... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
The Washington Post's yearly contest where readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words -- and the winners are... 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Pokemon (n),! A Jamaican proctologist. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Subject: Interview question You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams." Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box." ...HOWEVER.... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
----- This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night." Wage and Hour Department A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer. "That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent. The farmer says, "That would be me."
Toothbrush Salesman A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn''t such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That''s not enough” So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, “Look, you''re a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.” So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one. So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says “Free chips and dip” A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, “This tastes like $hit.” And the salesman replied, “Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Ted. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his a$$
Father O'Malley And Friends... The Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? DONATION Father O'Malley answers the phone, "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will". CONFESSION An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, manychildren, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody." BROTHEL TRIP An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient manand asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?" SENILITY An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." "That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down." PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
A red head walks into the doctors office and says every she where touchs hurts. The Doctor says show me. So she takes her index findger and pokes herself everywhere and the doctor says you aren't a natural redhead are you?? The girl says no I am a natural blond and he says that explains it ..... your finger is broken
1. It was Christmas time and God and Elvis were in heaven looking down on the city of Memphis and were admiring the beauty of a recent snowfall that had blanketed the city. Elvis thought about his lovely, former wife Priscilla and so they gazed down over by Graceland and were appalled to see “Elvis” spelled out in yellow in the snow behind the Graceland mansion. Elvis was furious and so he asked God to telephone the Memphis police to report this blasphemy and to ask the police to investigate to find the person who performed this act of lewdness. A few hours later the Memphis police called God back and reported they had both good and bad news. “The good news”, they reported, “is we found out who wrote Elvis’ name in yellow in the snow.” “It was Jerry Lee Lewis,” they said. “However,” they went on to say, “the bad news is that it was written in Priscilla’s handwriting!” 2. Jesus went to his father and said, God I’ve met this girl and I really love her and I want to marry her. God responded and said if you really love this girl then you have my blessing to marry her my Son. Jesus married the girl a few weeks later and the newly wed couple left for their honeymoon. About a week later the couple returned from their honeymoon. God saw his Son and asked Jesus if he enjoyed his honeymoon trip. Jesus replied, “God it was awful!” “What happened, God asked?” Jesus went on to say, “Well, the first night of the honeymoon we went to bed to consummate our marriage and when I put my hand down between her legs to touch her private part, the damned thing HEALED!”
Subject: Alabama The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Alabama and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Alabama women. ================================================== =========== A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" ================================================== =========== Regarding the year 2000, a senior at Alabama was overheard saying .. "when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Alabama." When asked why, he stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world. ================================================== =========== The young man from Alabama came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." ================================================== =========== NEWS FLASH! - Alabama's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Alabama students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts. ================================================== =========== A Alabama State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-81. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut? ================================================== ============ A man in Alabama had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next > to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack > cake. > The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your > Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."
MARRIAGE SEMINAR > > While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom > and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that > husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." > > He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite > flower?" > > Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's > Pillsbury, isn't it? > > The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
