CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS > > A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The > sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that > he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the > correct aisle. > A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a > ball of string on the counter. > > She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some > tampons for your wife? > > He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to > the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of > tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, > I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces. Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Billy Bill, Bobby Joe, Willie, Joe Bob, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick, Bucky and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive pickup trucks and deer rifles. They will be given only the following information about the enemy: 1. There is no limit. 2. The season opened last weekend. 3. They taste like chicken. 4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music, barbecue, or Jesus. 5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death. 6. They are holding Elvis and demanding a ransom. 7. They disapprove of using Copenhagen, Skoal, etc. 8. They want "Allah" on the front of all "hats." No more Red Man, Ford, etc. 9. They do not like the improper use of "mango" "seen" "those" and "was." 10.They want all their subjects to shave, shower, shampoo, brush their (remaining)teeth, and change clothing at least three times a week. It should be over in about a week.
A small Kentucky Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions: (1). "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. (2). "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. (3). "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. (4).... And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00"
There was a woman who really loved Robert Redford and Paul Newman. In fact she liked them so much that she wanted to get a picture tattoo of both men placed high up on her upper, inner thighs with one on each side. The girl went to the tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could depict the likeness of the two actors on her thigh. The tattoo artist assured the girl that he was very capable of rendering a portrait of both men in the form of a tattoo. The woman stripped off her dress and underwear and laid back on the bench in a spread-eagle fashion. After about two hours the artist told the woman that he was finished and the rendition of the two men came out perfectly. The woman looked down toward her private area and said, “it’s hard for me to tell from looking upside down on the portraits if they really look like the two men. Are you certain that the tattoos looks OK?” To assure the woman he had done a good job the tattoo artist said he would get an unbiased opinion from someone on the street and the first person he found happened to be the town drunk. The artist brings the man in so he could observe his handiwork and told the drunk, “tell this customer what you see.” With the woman's bottom staring at him the drunk slurred, “right there on one side is ol’ Robert Redford! There on the other side is ol’ Paul Newman! And right there in the middle is ol’ Willie Nelson!”
CAREFUL MONKEY A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. He asks, "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the Bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?" Adam says, "Yes." "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1) There is too much front end protrusion 2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust." "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "Hold on." So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."
An Ostrich A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As > he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Andy Rooney 1. Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees. 2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter". 3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. 4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners. My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes. 5. Andy Rooney on morning differences. Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you.. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. 6.Andy Rooney on cripes My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 7. Rooney on Grandma My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. 8. Rooney on answering machines. Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
A man was having a deep seated problem and he went to the psychologist Dr. Ruth to figure out what to do about it. He told her that while working at the pickle factory he had a nearly uncontrollable desire to put his manhood into the pickle slicer. Dr. Ruth informed him that such an event would cause him harm and he would need to work through such an issue. The next week he came to Dr. Ruths office in total despair and said he absolutely HAD to put his manhood into the pickle slicer or he would go insane. Dr. Ruth informed the man that much physical harm may well happen but if insanity is the only other option he should go ahead and put his manhood into the slicer. Overjoyed the man could hardly wait until Monday to return to work and complete the task. Monday afternoon the man came home from work very early and his wife asked him what was wrong. He told her he had been fired and when she asked why, he told her he stuck his manhood in the pickle slicer. Absolutely aghast, she grabbed his shorts and yanked them to the floor. "My gosh, there is nothing wrong here, what happened to the pickle slicer?" "They fired her too" the man replied.
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
A Dog's Life If a dog was your teacher, you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water, and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around, and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. When you are having a bad day, lick your balls.
Ponderisms... Some old some new some borrowed some stupid I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything , but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I s tart breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time , but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Stop singing and read on......... Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Does pushing th e elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
A Play On Words -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- READ CAREFULLY... SOME OF THESE ARE RATHER CLEVER Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize: What a crook sees with Control: A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes: what a guy in a boat does Misty: How golfers create divots Paradox: two physicians Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist: a helper on the farm Polarize: what penguins see with Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief: what trees do in the spring Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official And last but not least : Subdued ...like, a guy who works on one of those Attack Submarines
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Pickup lines On a recent radio show, the program focused on the best and worst pick up lines at bars. As the program progress, the talk show host decided to separate the various pick up lines into categories. The categories included age groups, men, women etc. A caller called in to remind the radio host that he had forgotten the senior category. The host apologized and then asked if the caller had any good pick up lines from seniors. He stated the best one he ever heard was from a senior gentleman as he approached a gray haired lady. His line was, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Random Joke: My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."
Who is Nookie Green? An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green. That is your sin? Yes, Father. You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month. The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... Those are your sins? Yes, Father. You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months. This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green? Just a woman I know, Father. Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys." The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is... The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green? The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the ranchhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer Paw home?" the rancher asked. "No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town." "Well," said the rancher, "Is yer Mom here?" "No, sir she ain't here neither. She went into town with Paw." "How about your brother, Jim Bob? Is he here?" "He went with Mom and Dad." The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Paw." "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Jim Bob getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Jim Bob."
OK- I'm on a roll...... A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied, "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an "F" in sex."
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... ---------------------------------------------------------- Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..." Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ... ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on Start for me and ... Customer: Listen, pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, damn it! ---------------------------------------------------------- Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... ---------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah . thank you. ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... ---------------------------------------------------------- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter "V" as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? ---------------------------------------------------------- A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. ---------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? ---------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
