Taser Classic...don't tell me you can read this without laughing... (Only a guy like Jason would do this!) I purchased my lovely wife Yvonne a pocket taser for our anniversary last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop. I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Yvonne what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my dog Deuce looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Deuce (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of soil shorts and a tank top with coffee stains with my filthy reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Deuce looking on with his head cocked to one side as if to say, "DON’T DO IT YOU STUPID FUCK," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure The ROCK ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-TERD BURGLER that hurt like a weekend camping with one sleeping bag with Ryan, Drew and Rick!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my hairless testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock and ball-less , Jason the Fed :stretcher:
rotglmfao...... Now that is funny. But I thought Yvonne kept Jason's testes in a high place out of reach of Jason???
That's the last fuking time I ever give you the name of my dog! SOB! OK, let the onslaught begin! I'm ready bytches! Fire away!
holy chit.... i am crying right now i am laughing so hard......... my only wish is that this was all caught on film (you know jason, the secret camera you have set up for your escapades with rick and drew)....... this is just f---ing priceless!!! hahahahaha
OMG! That is so funny. Having been jolted, just briefly, several times during training, I can't imagine how F'd up that must have felt.
A childhood story about MOMO! Jason went shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting, little Jason gets bored and just when his Mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. 'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down there?' Little Jason quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, Little Jason grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend(Thank goodness we thought he was a flamer!) One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, 'You know, you could go a little further if you want.' 'What do you mean?' he asks. 'Well, why don't you put your hand down there?' she says, pointing to her crotch. 'HELL NO!' he cries, 'you've got teeth down there!' 'Don't be ridiculous,' she responds, 'there's no such thing as teeth down there!' 'Yes there are,' he says, 'my Mom told me so.' 'No there aren't,' she insists. 'Here, look for yourself.' With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. 'No, I'm sorry,' he says. 'My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there.' 'Oh for crying out loud!' she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, 'LOOK, I DON'T have Any Teeth down there.' Jason takes a good long look and replies, 'Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!' :grin:
Jason, being the finely conditioned specimen you are you may have lasted way into the "waste the batteries" part. You should try a another quick one just to make sure the batteries are still good...
Christopher!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't get any of these jokes from the forums! These were sent to me by my loving lawfully in the US family members.
Unlike you were it wonders out to the farm fields and flourishes like Drew in the shower at the Blue Oyster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
